I say goodbye to 2008 with a measure of relief .. It was a very difficult year. When I reflect back on the past twelve months, there were many things that happened to me that could have really crushed my spirit..if God had not carried me through.
January and February were emotionally unsettling..We were dealing with decisions being made for our former foster son, "J", who had been with me a year at that point. His birthmom had not been following her caseplan and would not show up for visits alot of the time. So, DSS turned to birthfather. (who wanted him to live with his sister out of state). "J" was upset and did not want to go live with her.. After the out- of -state aunt did not pass her background check..the agency once again turned to "dad." They decided to try to push this through. despite dad's lengthy criminal record, revoked driver's license, and history of violent, irresponsible behavior..
March and April held a mixed bag of good and bad...(some of the "good" ended up being bad later on). We were presented with information on a 13 year old girl, "B" who was available for adoption. She seemed like a great fit for our family..We started visits and everything seemed to be moving along nicely.. I also had a routine mammogram during this time and the clinic called me back in to do more x-rays.. I was terrified. Luckily, they found nothing..but wanted me to come back in six months.. Oh the power of prayer!
May and June soon followed. More visits with "B." "J" was now having to spend every weekend with "dad" at this point. I also found out that"dad" was riding both "J" and his brother down the road on his moped ..with no helmets. This definitely increased my concerns for "J's" safety as well as his brother's... I guess the man has no other transportation..but still...
Sadly, on June 12, "J" was removed from our home and sent to live with the man anyway. My heart broke. I have not heard from him since.... "B" moved in a few days later.....We were happy for a few weeks..
July was very unpleasant. "B" decided that getting her way through any means possible was her goal in being here. After about 3 pretty good weeks, she decided to show her true colors. We never expected some of the antics she displayed...First it was the cursing, and the refusal to take baths and get out of bed...(these were the minor things that we were expecting to deal with). Then it was the running out of the house at any hour when she did not get her way and the threats to call DSS and tell them we were hurting her if she did not get to do what she wanted(which were lies). Then it was the running out of the house and flopping belly down in the front yard (so that the neighbors would think we were horrible abusive people) and beating her fists on the walls and trashing the house.... The final straw came when she ran off to a friends house, refused to come home, then took off on her bike. After a cop later talked to her and got her back in our car, she tried to jump out of while it was moving... The really scary thing about all of her antics was that the trigger for them were "little things" like being told she couldn't have a friend over for a sleepover on a weeknight or being told she needed to start going to bed earlier, or being told she needed to come home before dark while out on her bike. We decided that adoption was not the answer in this situation for us or for "B." We were honestly afraid of what she would be willing to do next to get her way and at what cost..to our safety or hers. So "B" was sent back to her county of origin and thankfully, we had been holding off on fileing the paperwork.. After all this, I became depressed and felt like quitting everything related to fostering and adoption...
August-December left my dh without a job..the economic crisis had cost him his position. He was two months without a job. Now he is working part-time for another company, at least until something full-time comes along! I found out in October that my follow-up mammogram was clear..Halleluiah! In December, we fostered two little boys for five days.. They were so cute and my spirits were brightened...at the time of year when I was really needing some cheering up. This was to be my first Christmas in two years with no children, and I was feeling really blue. The boys left before the holiday, but it was enough to strengthen my resolve and refresh my mothering instincts..
Now I look ahead to a brand new year. I know God strengthened and took care of me through all of those difficult months...Do I understand the reasons I had to go through all those difficulties? No. But I am certain that God is using these circumstances to mold me and prepare me for things to come...Maybe 2009 will bring the answers I have been seeking and my dream of motherhood will be fulfilled...
